raw

no excuses. no im sorry. no politically correct. doesn't mean i don't love them. doesn't mean i don't see the blessing. just raw. raw emotion...

i am a mom of two special needs children. i am a mom of two special needs children. i determined months ago that the feeling i am having at this point in my life is like being on a roller coaster the second time with a major fear of heights. you know what to expect and somehow that makes it harder. seth said its like breaking your arm once on accident and then the next time having someone tell you they are going to break your arm.

it is taboo to discuss your feelings in public about having children with special needs. it is always followed up with "but look how sweet they are" or "yes but you can see the blessings". usually i can handle these responses and they do make sense. i am sure i would/have said the same things to people in a similar situation. why? becuase their is no other pc answer. "yes, that is hard and must really hurt" isn't acceptable because somehow by voicing your opinion about the sadness you feel regarding your childs needs make you sound ungrateful for the blessing of a child. or makes others think that you love them less. or that you blame God and can't see past to the beauty he has given you. but that isn't farther from the truth. i do love my children. when i look at linkin in the eyes i want to embrace him and tell him how extremely proud of him i am. and tell him that i am blown away at his strength and determination. i love his strong desire to push through the impossible. yes, i love my children. i saw miricles happen in my life because of linkin. my relationship with my savor grew so much because of linkin. does that take away the feeling of sadness when i see another 9 month old baby that is on the verge of walking? no. no it doesn't. should it? maybe.

each day i try to embrace B for who she is and what personal milestones she is making. my heart skips a beat when she sits on my lap and reaches for the magazine i am reading. shen she screams so loud she makes herself laugh melts my heart. i try to remind myself that this is all temporary and that one day this will all be behind her. when her eyes drift swifty around i remind myself that she will overcome these trials. when her arms are weak and her ataxia is pronounced i remind myself that one day she will sew. in her own time.

their is no where to voice my feelings with out fear of being judge, misunderstood of feeling the need to say "but i love them". i wish we could all understand that that is a given. i love my children. i love them more that i could ever express.