Sadie Asleep In My Closet
Linkin Asleep at 7 pm at Ellis Having Dinner With My Parents
As I begin my third trimester I realize that I don't feel much like myself. My emotions are running wild, my body is so far from what it use to be, my energy level is not even what it was last week and it is hard to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. As I got ready for church this morning I thought of just how easy it would be to stay home and relax all day. Nothing seemed to fit right, my make up just doesn't look the same, my hair...moving on, and the kids were having a hard time getting ready. However I felt this overwhelming desire to go despite my challenges. Boy am I glad I did.
Today's lesson was on service. Since Seth has been gone I have had numerous occasion where I have been served by sister in my ward, my in laws and my parents. Last week I did so much complaining about rude comments being made about my pregnant self as well as other things and all the while I was continually being serviced by amazing people.
I have never taken my visiting teaching very seriously. I mean to say I just never made it a priority. It always felt awkward and out of my comfort zone. Over the past several months and especially this month I have been blessed with the importance of visiting teaching. My visiting teacher has gone over and above on numerous occasions to help me. From bringing me dinner to making sure I was ok when the power went out...all the while being more pregnant than I am. She comes every month and every time she does I am left feeling overwhelmed with love and a desire to be a better person. She is truly amazing. I feel so blessed to have her as my visiting teacher and my friend. I, for the first time see the importance of visiting teaching and can't wait to get my visiting teaching list and start spreading the love my visiting teacher has showed me. I feel overwhelmingly blessed.
There are others who have showed me such wonderful love and service from surprise flowers on my door step, picking up Linkin for the day, watching my kids overnight so I can work the next morning, fixing my lights and toilet and calling to catch up these and many other ways I have been shown love and service this past month.
Thinking of all these things made me realize that the negative things I have focused my mind on the past few days are so small, so insignificant. It is these loving, kind act that are important are the things I will remember rather than the negative.
As I sat in church listening to the lesson on service my heart was so full. My mind was truly unable to wrap around all the kind acts of service I have been shown over the past several weeks.
I am truly thankful to have the church/gospel in my life. To feel such a wonderful connection to my ward family and to know that I have people around me that love and support me and will help me when I am in need. What a wonderful example you have all been to me. Teaching me and helping me strive to be better to show my love to each of you. I realized that each person who has shown me love and service has a busy life with many other things to do however they took the time to show me love and service. I truly feel blessed.
I pray that I will be able to show service and kindness to all of those in my life. That I will be more aware of the things that I say and the way I act towards others. I will do my best to be more Christ-like and learn from those wonderful examples around me.
Thank you to all you!
I am blessed.
I promise a positive blog will be coming....
I woke up yesterday morning realizing just where pregnancy had led me - oversized, emotional and very tired. I was trying to figure out how to stop or slow down the weight gain process, even maybe shed a few pounds before my next appointment.
The thing that got me through my self pity party was this blog (I am blog stalker). I was thinking back to Robins blog. I thought "if someone like Robin can feel this way during pregnancy we all do." What I mean is that she is beautiful pregnant or not. She looks great while she is pregnant and yet she even has her days with pregnancy. I am in no way comparing my pregnant self to hers rather relating to her feelings during this last stretch of pregnancy.
As my day went on I continued to battle with my negative feelings regarding myself image at this time. Later that day I had a conversation that I will not elaborate on but it was hurtful in terms of how large I am when I am pregnant. It reafirmed my what I had already been stressed out about all day.
After a chat with my mother, who listened and was so sweet to help me through the whole thing, I began to feel a little better. I felt like I may be able to show my face in public and be ok.
I woke up this morning feeling ready for the day. Once at work I decided to go get a bite to eat. I headed next store to the Deli. While waiting in line a table of men got my attention.
"That's what you get for fooling around" Man
"I know, I should have learned the first two times" Me - laughing it off
"Three is a crowd. You are done. That is enough" Man
I turned and walked away. I am just tired. I am tired of people having an opinion of my weight, the number of children I am having and honestly anything I do in my life that doesn't effect them.
I realize that I am in the final weeks of my pregnancy and emotions are hightened but I am just getting frustrated with all these comments. I also realize that some people don't have filters and some just don't know what else to say so they make awkward comments but I am tired of excusing them because I am left with my feelings hurt.
Today I was trying to figure out the nicest way to let one person know my feelings were hurt about our conversation. I was so worried about hurting their feelings when I realized they had no regard when it came to my feelings. The words that were said were said this out any care as to how they would make me feel. After 10 minutes of "She was huge" I was left hurt and they moved on with their day. At that moment I addressed the situation with no regard for their feelings. I was going to say what I needed to no matter what it meant. If they don't speak to me again it will be no loss to me.
I know that their have been times in my life that I have offended people. I have said the wrong things, I have spoken out of turn and I have left someone feeling bad. I sit here with an overwhelming feeling of sorrow to those I have ever offended my intent was never to offend.
I hope the lesson that I can learn from this is to be more kind, more loving more aware of the things I say to others. I also hope that over the next several weeks I can come to a place where I am feel ok with my pregnant self, that I can rejoice in my round body and thank God for blessing me with the oportunity to carry a sweet sweet spirit.
I realize that the comments won't stop but I hope I feel find some way to move past them and to find strength to stand up for myself at the time the comments are made.
