Ragnar Baby!

I have such a wonderful time at Ragnar. We ran from Huntington Beach to Coronado. I was beautiful, it was hot, it was hilarious, it was hard, it was sleepless but most of all it was splended. I'd do it again tomorrow if I could! Kappa Ragnar here I come! Ragnarrelay.com

Some Thing Is Missing…

I was up this morning at 1am tossing and turning. I soon realized there was no point in pretending I was sleeping and facebook is really lame at 1am because real people are sleeping. So I decided to get up and be productive. So I did. I was up until about 4amwhen decided to try one last time to get a few minutes of sleep before 5am came. So I did.

I went to bed last night after a large meal of steak and bulgur salad. It was a healthy meal, a yummy meal but I consumed too much of it. This morning on my way to work I was thinking of just what I was going to eat this morning…it was only 5 am in the morning. Within a matter of minutes sitting at my desk I was consuming peanut butter pretzels all the while beating myself up about “when are you going to pull it together. When are you going to focus. When are you going to figure out what you are really “hungry” for. The last few weeks I have been battling with my eating. Eating too much food trying to be fulfilled. I am tired of it.

Something is missing and I am trying to fill the void with food.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that life is like a pendulum. If you make an effort to swing the pendulum in the right direction then eventually it will come swinging back down (because everything that goes up must come down, right?). So if you start moving in the right direction eventually things will moved in the wrong direction just as high as it swung in the right direction. Leaving me with this solution to just not move the pendulum. Therefore life is always about the same…right there in the middle. It’s a comfortable place for me and it doesn’t require much work. Insert void.

I think I found the void…consistency.

This lack of consistency is making a mess of me. I have battled consistency all of my adult life. This I find very interesting since I had parents who were and are very consistent. We were raised to be consistent and to follow through.

I can remember clearly when I was in a play in high school where I was cast as the laughing stalk of the play. Literally out of spite the director cast me as the dancing star where I wore this humiliating star costume and danced during the scene changes (have you ever seen me dance? It isn’t a pretty sight). I wanted nothing more than to quit that play. I cried. I hated. I yelled. I laughed at myself. I cried. And in the end my parents said quitting wasn’t the answer. Going on stage with a smile and nailing my performance was the only answer. So I did. Defying all inner desires I danced my heart out and proved that I can do hard things even when I don’t want to. So why, why did this motivation and drive get lost along the way? Where did I decide it was ok to compromise my consistency and follow through? And how did I not know that standing on that stage in a foam star costume would be such a monumental moment that would continue to teach me lessons throughout my life?

This is a moment to find that girl who danced when it would have been easier cry.

I know that God is real. I know He knows me. I know He loves me. He is the one to made it possible for Linkin to walk, despite medical theory. I don’t doubt Him. The lack of consistency rests in following his commandments. The things we deem simple - reading scripture, praying , keeping the Sabbath Holy, going to church EVERY Sunday, paying tithing – these things are SO hard for me. This is where I find the lack of consistency. I even know and have benefited from the power of doing these things. It is about making the time for these activities. Making them a priority. . Reading even when I have laundry that needs to be done. Getting up and getting dressed even when it is easier to stay in bed

I know that eating well and exercising is the key to not only physical health but also mental wellbeing. I know what to eat. I know how to eat. I know how to exercise. I even like to exercise. I don’t doubt these lead to a healthier life. The lack of consistency rests in following the food plan/exercise plan. I have done both of these things before and benefitted from it. I have reached my physical and mental health goals before. Letting go of the excuses and putting the blame on other people or my “selfless” personality. Getting my running shoes on even when I have dishes to do. Get up and going to the gym even when it is easier to stay in bed.

I know that being frugal and managing my money correctly is important and the answer to a lot of life’s worries. I know how to be frugal. I know how to balance a check book. I know how to get rid of my credit cards. I even know how to pay off my debt. The lack of consistency rests in following the plan. I have felt the freedom that comes with good money management and a debt free life. It is about getting rid of the credit cards. Waiting to buy the things the “I NEED”. Putting money in savings for a rainy day. It’s about staying in bed even when I want to go out and spend money I don’t have.

I guess I thought the list of what I needed to do would be much longer. I thought I would look at an overwhelming list of things I am not doing and say “see, this is why I am not consistent. there are too many things required of me”. Instead I feel like these are the big ones and it seems less daunting that I imagined.

Of course there are always the ones we can get into if we really want to beat ourselves up (being on time, having a perfect home cooked meal every night, having the same night time routine very night, waking up an hour early every night, going to bed early every night, being perfect every day). I believe once the big things, ie spiritual, physical health and money management are intact it will be easier to tackle the other things.

Life is busy . Often times as I am driving from one place or another I feel an overwhelming feeling that life is dragging me by the feet and that I am powerless over my schedule. I have heard and often felt like “there aren’t enough hours in the day”. Regardless we are allotted 24 hours in each day. It is what we do with these hours that matters. My inbox may never be empty, my list of things will always be full but that is the way it is supposed to be. Life is ever going. Life is one big To Do list. It’s prioritizing my day. Putting the important things on the top of my daily list. Being honest about what my priorities are and understanding why they are my priorities. Many times when I am out running I find myself watching the ground and the thought comes to my mind that I need to look ahead. I need to keep my eye on where I am going rather than what’s directly in front of me. When I do that, when I keep my focus on where I am headed I find that when I get to the place I am going I feel this sense of “Wow, I can’t believe I am here already. It was easier than I thought”. It is time to put my chin up and stop letting life drag me by the feet. Everything I do it a choice. Everything I do is a choice.

I believe I CAN!