Monday december 28...

Some days i imagine myself doing all these things, reaching all my goals and dreams. I imagine a life that is different in ways from the one I am currently living. - its funny i am even writing this down because 1. i just re-read some old posts i made and well, i was bored of them after 2 seconds and they brought up a bunch of feelings and stresses i did not want to reacquaint myself with. 2. no one is on blogspot anymore, at least not people who i once was following and reading. However here i am - This moment is serving more than one purpose. First, it is allowing me to avoid the should-bes of the day. Second, it is giving me a chance to put down all the thoughts and feelings I am having and I am giving myself permission to never have to read it again. Its not really about going back and re-reading, rather about getting it all out.

There are several things I want to accomplish. I have been doing a lot of research and implementing many minimalist ideas. I am enjoying it. I could make a list of the things I have accomplished and started in the process but, id rather not. sometimes its a good idea for me to do that because then I can see on paper that i have accomplished things. i tend to believe i never accomplish anything...ever. Well, I do. so there. however for today I am going to skip the list of things i have done.

I do however have a list of things i would like to do. hmmmmm do i even have it in me to list those things today? i am not sure i do. well, yes, i will after all.

general cleaning and straightening up - its a good day for this because Seth's at work, Linkin is out of town, sadie is at a friends house and B well, she just playing so its ideal. I could get a lot done.

Clean up the back yard - like yard work kind of cleaning up. Weeds pulled, leaves raked up, grass seed laid, cement sprayed down.

Car cleaned - I don't even need to do it myself, not this time. I just need to get it to a place that will clean it.

Run to the store - I would like to get a spiralizer...one with a handle thing.

Self care - Its needed. maybe even get my nails done. at least my toes.

Food prep - I have a few recipes set out and all the stuff for, now I just need to actually make them.

Budget/check Book - duh

Figure out my workout plan - I wish i was a morning person. I have read you can become one. So, I am going to try. working out first thing in the morning like 5 am would just honestly be the best thing for me. However I never seem to make that a priority. So I need to work on that. I need to figure out what I am going to do.

There are a few others that I can't think of right now. hmmmm ok. Well, its already 1pm in the afternoon. My dreams and hopes for today are big but I think I can accomplish most if not all of them if I get to it. Ready GO!

Ragnar Baby!

I have such a wonderful time at Ragnar. We ran from Huntington Beach to Coronado. I was beautiful, it was hot, it was hilarious, it was hard, it was sleepless but most of all it was splended. I'd do it again tomorrow if I could! Kappa Ragnar here I come! Ragnarrelay.com

Some Thing Is Missing…

I was up this morning at 1am tossing and turning. I soon realized there was no point in pretending I was sleeping and facebook is really lame at 1am because real people are sleeping. So I decided to get up and be productive. So I did. I was up until about 4amwhen decided to try one last time to get a few minutes of sleep before 5am came. So I did.

I went to bed last night after a large meal of steak and bulgur salad. It was a healthy meal, a yummy meal but I consumed too much of it. This morning on my way to work I was thinking of just what I was going to eat this morning…it was only 5 am in the morning. Within a matter of minutes sitting at my desk I was consuming peanut butter pretzels all the while beating myself up about “when are you going to pull it together. When are you going to focus. When are you going to figure out what you are really “hungry” for. The last few weeks I have been battling with my eating. Eating too much food trying to be fulfilled. I am tired of it.

Something is missing and I am trying to fill the void with food.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that life is like a pendulum. If you make an effort to swing the pendulum in the right direction then eventually it will come swinging back down (because everything that goes up must come down, right?). So if you start moving in the right direction eventually things will moved in the wrong direction just as high as it swung in the right direction. Leaving me with this solution to just not move the pendulum. Therefore life is always about the same…right there in the middle. It’s a comfortable place for me and it doesn’t require much work. Insert void.

I think I found the void…consistency.

This lack of consistency is making a mess of me. I have battled consistency all of my adult life. This I find very interesting since I had parents who were and are very consistent. We were raised to be consistent and to follow through.

I can remember clearly when I was in a play in high school where I was cast as the laughing stalk of the play. Literally out of spite the director cast me as the dancing star where I wore this humiliating star costume and danced during the scene changes (have you ever seen me dance? It isn’t a pretty sight). I wanted nothing more than to quit that play. I cried. I hated. I yelled. I laughed at myself. I cried. And in the end my parents said quitting wasn’t the answer. Going on stage with a smile and nailing my performance was the only answer. So I did. Defying all inner desires I danced my heart out and proved that I can do hard things even when I don’t want to. So why, why did this motivation and drive get lost along the way? Where did I decide it was ok to compromise my consistency and follow through? And how did I not know that standing on that stage in a foam star costume would be such a monumental moment that would continue to teach me lessons throughout my life?

This is a moment to find that girl who danced when it would have been easier cry.

I know that God is real. I know He knows me. I know He loves me. He is the one to made it possible for Linkin to walk, despite medical theory. I don’t doubt Him. The lack of consistency rests in following his commandments. The things we deem simple - reading scripture, praying , keeping the Sabbath Holy, going to church EVERY Sunday, paying tithing – these things are SO hard for me. This is where I find the lack of consistency. I even know and have benefited from the power of doing these things. It is about making the time for these activities. Making them a priority. . Reading even when I have laundry that needs to be done. Getting up and getting dressed even when it is easier to stay in bed

I know that eating well and exercising is the key to not only physical health but also mental wellbeing. I know what to eat. I know how to eat. I know how to exercise. I even like to exercise. I don’t doubt these lead to a healthier life. The lack of consistency rests in following the food plan/exercise plan. I have done both of these things before and benefitted from it. I have reached my physical and mental health goals before. Letting go of the excuses and putting the blame on other people or my “selfless” personality. Getting my running shoes on even when I have dishes to do. Get up and going to the gym even when it is easier to stay in bed.

I know that being frugal and managing my money correctly is important and the answer to a lot of life’s worries. I know how to be frugal. I know how to balance a check book. I know how to get rid of my credit cards. I even know how to pay off my debt. The lack of consistency rests in following the plan. I have felt the freedom that comes with good money management and a debt free life. It is about getting rid of the credit cards. Waiting to buy the things the “I NEED”. Putting money in savings for a rainy day. It’s about staying in bed even when I want to go out and spend money I don’t have.

I guess I thought the list of what I needed to do would be much longer. I thought I would look at an overwhelming list of things I am not doing and say “see, this is why I am not consistent. there are too many things required of me”. Instead I feel like these are the big ones and it seems less daunting that I imagined.

Of course there are always the ones we can get into if we really want to beat ourselves up (being on time, having a perfect home cooked meal every night, having the same night time routine very night, waking up an hour early every night, going to bed early every night, being perfect every day). I believe once the big things, ie spiritual, physical health and money management are intact it will be easier to tackle the other things.

Life is busy . Often times as I am driving from one place or another I feel an overwhelming feeling that life is dragging me by the feet and that I am powerless over my schedule. I have heard and often felt like “there aren’t enough hours in the day”. Regardless we are allotted 24 hours in each day. It is what we do with these hours that matters. My inbox may never be empty, my list of things will always be full but that is the way it is supposed to be. Life is ever going. Life is one big To Do list. It’s prioritizing my day. Putting the important things on the top of my daily list. Being honest about what my priorities are and understanding why they are my priorities. Many times when I am out running I find myself watching the ground and the thought comes to my mind that I need to look ahead. I need to keep my eye on where I am going rather than what’s directly in front of me. When I do that, when I keep my focus on where I am headed I find that when I get to the place I am going I feel this sense of “Wow, I can’t believe I am here already. It was easier than I thought”. It is time to put my chin up and stop letting life drag me by the feet. Everything I do it a choice. Everything I do is a choice.

I believe I CAN!

Intent...

I had every intention of going grocery shopping - list, menu planned, cash, full gas tank and my car keys. Not 2 minutes into the drive this happened...see above and 2 minutes later her sister followed suit. So here I am parked on the side of the road wondering, waiting, trying to keep them from waking up. Do I drive to Monterey to go to Traders assuming they will wake up by then...and if they don't, then what? Do I stay parked here? Transferring from the car to bed always results in woken up cranky kids. Safeway? Not far enough away. Drive home park in the driveway until they wake up. Do you remember when you use to grocery shop alone and not at 11pm?

Shadows

i have sisters. 3 sisters. Elizabeth. Rebekah. Sarah. sisters is the english word for angels. each of my angels has played a very important role in who i am, who i am striving to be and who i have been in my previous years. they have each decided what role they have wanted and are willing to play in my life.

Elizabeth: she is my oldest angel. she is an angel with a huge heart. we are all lucky in this life to have people who love us in our lives but Elizabeth does all that she can for those she loves. for examples she was there when i gave birth to my first child, linkin. it was a difficult, long, hard delivery and she stayed all night to help...even when it wasn't fun anymore. she stuck by me at one of my most challenging times. she made all my wedding cakes (i didn't have multiple weddings. i had multiple wedding cakes all at the same wedding). i can't tell you how late she stayed up making them but i can tell you they tasted like heaven. on my wedding day as my husbands best man gave a wonderful speech about him i feared that no one would get up and speak on my behalf...guess who did, Elizabeth. once again i was loved. when graduation day came and it was time for me to leave the nest and head to college she came to my rescue. she set me up with a place to live and told me her door was always open. she eventually took me in and let me live with her and her family. again, i felt loved. i can remember as a child waiting by the window for her to come home from sacramento. i waited there so long i heard my mother say repeatedly "a pot that is watched never boils". i would have waited there all day if i had too. Elizabeth has been not only my angel but my best friend.

Rebekah: she is the second oldest angel. she is an angel that i am sure in the previous life was bbfs with Christ himself. (serious, i am not being blasphemous) Rebekah is an angel that will teach you how to love unconditionally. when all reason says to be angry and lock the door to love she loves. she gives. she works. for example, when i was pregnant with bentley and wasn't sure i could see the light at the end of the tunnel she drove all the down to my house to help me clean, prepare meals for several weeks and talk the day away with me. she makes an effort to let you know she cares, like her same day trip down for Seth's 30th birthday. she is real. she is exactly who she says she is, doesn't profess to be something she isn't. she would give you her left shoe if you needed it. there has never been a question in my mind if this angel loved me. as a child i remember her taking me with her to the lamb barns to feed her lamb. she worked so hard. at night when i would wake up and she would be in the kitchen cleaning up and doing the dishes when everyone else was asleep and would make me a PB&J and put me back to bed. Rebekah has not only been my angel but my best friend.

Sarah: she is my third oldest angel. she is an angel that has given support and strength when it was needed most. for example, when i had to conquer a very daunting task of taking bentley, my 4 month old to stanford for an mri in which she would be sedated alone, this angel came with me quietly cancelling her appointments and providing me with lunch. the huge daunting task didn't seem so hard with an angel by my side. this angel invited me to join her in what has become one of the most rewarding accomplishments of my life - the nike womens half marathon. it wasn't long after i had bentley that she called an invited me to join her. shortly after i agreed i began to doubt myself and she would reassure me that I could accomplish this. 3 miles into the race i began to panic, i didn't have to say anything and she just quietly said "one mile at a time. one mile and a time" my fear was gone. as a kid i remember sharing a room with her. there is nothing more special about sharing a room with an angel. When she went off to college she would invite me over to visit her in SLO. those were many of my favorite childhood memories. Sarah has not only been my angel but my best friend.

i am forever indebted to these three angels. my life has been truly blessed by them.

I have a father

I consider myself very lucky to have been raised in a home full of love, happiness, boundaries and spirituality. I have two amazing parents. I know we all feel that our parents are great-because they are, they raised us. However my parents are exceptionally amazing. Not only did they manage to raise 6 very different, very strong-willed children they managed to do amazing things in there personal lives.

My mother (briefly since it is fathers day) has made a huge impact in our home ward. She has helped countless women become stronger better mothers, from giving advice to holding a crying baby while a mother can sleep. she has served. She has used her talents in the arts to help the community from painting the cafeteria walls to delivering handmade card to those celebrating a special event. Lastly and with great importance she has supported my father, her husband through countless concerts, art project, hartnell classes, and community events and all the while thinking "wow, mr. Graham is a hottie" (a direct quote). Thank you mom, for being supportive of a wonderful father.

As for the man of the hour, my father, Bruce Chambers Graham...he is a man who stood his ground. I remember as a youth getting ready to go to the movies, in the car ready to back out of the driveway with a car full of friends he looked over at me and with no hesitation said "you won't be wearing that to the movies go in and change". My body ached with embarrassment. However i knew two things at that moment, first, my father paid attention and cared about me and second, he had strong morals and standard for not only himself but for me as well.

My fathers impact on our community is one that can not and will not ever be replicated. He has touched the lives of so many children. From teaching them to play an instrument to teaching them to understand they have great purpose in life. Literally helping children who are struggling in their personal lives and giving the direction, hope and a stepping stone for success. He has changed the course of many children in king city for better. The community understand his role in the city and highly respects him and are willing to give support and help to him.

My father has been a great role in our home ward. He has used his talents to write music for our ward which has spread like wildfire and now being used throughout the stake. He has taught countless firesides about music and sung our favorite songs. He has worked with many youth, teaching them by example.

My fathers impact on his posterity is one that will live on forever. My children speak of him often. Reminding me to tell him how they learned a song or ran a mile...because they know he cares. They know he loves them. They know he knows them.

I was raised by two exceptional patents. For this I am grateful.

To an exceptional father I say, happy fathers day! I love you pops and am blessed, truly blessed to be called your daughter.

Summer Time

here are the things we know about summer....

there will be kids up past their bedtime

it won't get over 80 degrees

we will spend more money on gas than usual

there will be grown-ups awake past their bedtime

there will be more laundry and dishes to do

we will run a lot

we will go to big sur as much as possible


i will be cooking


we will step foot on utah soil


we will watch the sunset on the beach more than once


i will lose 20 lbs


we will have lots of family time


we will see our cousions and love every minute of it


we will sleep in a tent more than once


we will laugh a lot


we will have fun


we will embrace every moment


we will soak up the sun


we will be happy!





SUMMER TIME!

final word on the hair drama

i know how much cyberspace is invested in my hair and what i do with it so here's the final product!

more hair issues

still not over the "chop it off" feeling!

Issues....

so heres the thing...hair. as i have said so many times before...i have hair issues. i am currently growing my hair out. here is the goal...

lets not get ahead of ourselves. im not blonde. not 19 yrs old. im not 100 pounds. my hair is no where near that length. here is my current status...

now i have committed to 6 more weeks of this hair thing...growing thing. i promised my niece harper and let me tell you i have had my doubts for the past two days about this promise. but what will that make me? a promise breaker? it would. so to avoid being a promise breaker here is what i have come up with to distract myself from actually cutting my hair. i figured this might help me get a deeper understanding of my desire. and maybe get my mind off of my hair. (well that might be too much to ask)

so here it is....

a good in between

the long/short cut

the pixie cut - i love

"the one"

before we make up our minds...because i am sure we will all agree the short cuts are SO cute. lets take a look down my memory lane. because i am fully aware i wholeheartedly admire all these women. they have been through hours of hair and make-up to create these looks. they have lots of money for upkeep. they are all 30 lbs lighter than i am. so lets compare apples to apples...

long - its been years...13

short without bangs

short with bangs

pixie

so after searching through photos of myself...wow this feels like a vain post....it hasn't helped me in my decision. there are some photos i like my long hair and some short i don't like. it is just so hard to say. here is what i do know...today....i feel like my "long" hair never looks great. i mean i feel like it always looks bleh. between my hair, extra weight and my mini van i scream middle-age mom. when really i am a young, funky, fun loving mom. however looking back at some short hair pictures i see there are plenty of non-great hair days there too. there is always my back up plan or "the temptation" as i call it is....

the temptation

the tenth commandment

the following are the current items that remind me almost daily of the tenth commandment. most of them are currently sitting in a "cart" in an open browser waiting to be purchased. just the same with "the boots". but as time passed they sold out and when i refreshed they were gone. they too remind me...

so for now...here's my list....

Her name is Sadie...

She lives life in reverse....

Her shoes are alway in the wrong feet

When wanting to unbuckling from her booster she says "can I buckle up?"

She pushes her bangs to the side against her natural part

When you ask her the high of her day she will tell you her low of the day

When she's cold she will ask you to turn on the air conditioner

Life in reverse...

Picture taken by Sadie

here are the facts

fact #1 it's a king size bed skirt on a queen bed

fact #2 the kids decided to move the bed in search of the lost stapler

fact #3 I would rather leave it like so than to put forth the effort to fix it today. It's not an easy task (see fact #1)

fact #4 but I will

I'm the one

who waits in the turn lane too long to make sure the coast is clear


who is seldom seen in the movie theater

who goes through the drive thru for a diet coke

who has hair issues

who wears flip flops in the rain

who sits in the driveway with the car on just for some alone time

who loves the beach

who talks during a tv show...and commercials

who goes puddle jumping

who loves big earring but not with a necklace.

who loves heels but often wears flats

Look At Us!

what a silly pair of love birds! this was just before seths mission. i love this picture.

a city girl

i feel the desire to be a city girl. this is so far from who i am considering i grew up in small town and now live only 50 miles from there. however sometimes i wonder what it would be like living in the city in a small apartment, no car, lots of shoes, sushi, a tube of red lipstick, annual museum passes, an umbrella, an iPad, an expensive party dress, a city map, and a roll of quarters. Life in the city.

last night i had a chance to hear a man speak about making positive changes in his life. making changes and trying to do better on a daily bases. it really hit me when he said he was 67, not that he is SO old, i realized at that point that perfection doesn't come with age. when i am 67 i will still be working on myself. i am a work in progress and will always be. there is no race to perfection. understanding that no one is perfect. we learn that. we learn no one is perfect but some how i manage to convince myself that those people around me are perfect. people don't like to talk about their weaknesses or downfalls rather about their successes. and i admit life would be yucky if we all sat around talking about our downfalls. for me its not about sitting around beating myself up but rather realizing that i am just like everyone else - not perfect. there is no reason to hate myself or stress over my imperfections. I have a life time to change and grow. realizing that one day at a time doesn't mean be perfect in all things today. it means today i can strive to do a few things better than yesterday.

today i will love myself a little more than yesterday.

Beach Fun

we had a great time at the beach on Saturday! The sun was shinning, it was hot and we had great company. The day really warmed my soul!

Sadies first bloody nose and all I got was this picture

It's become a tradition for the kids to walk home from the mail box around the corner from our house after I pick up the mail. I usually stop to get the mail after running errands and the kids walk and I drive alongside them. Sounds silly but the feel so independent.

So the kids are playing near the mail box while I check the mail. Sadie's nose and Linkin's head collide. Sadie started crying so I tell her to come here for a hug and a kiss. On the way over to me it happens...her nose starts bleeding. Then she notices it's bleeding and that's when the REAL tears begin. She's not one for losing blood.

Needless to say she didn't walk home. I didn't think to take a quick photo. I guess under the circumstance it would have been to much to ask for a smile. So the next day I got a picture of the blood stained sidewalk.

Sadies broken bleed as she calls it...

Goals, we all have them. This is mine.